


This is me, without you

by Zouis4ever (Jeri_1116)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angry Louis, Louis-centric, M/M, OT5 Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 17:38:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4573605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeri_1116/pseuds/Zouis4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn's gone, Louis isn't doing so well. The boys know it, the crew knows it. Too bad Louis is too busy acting like everything is okay to know it as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is me, without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sakkito](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakkito/gifts).



> I didn't add Taylor, I didn't know how to introduce her tbh. But I hope this is okay for you. I kinda went off track. Apologies in advance. 
> 
> The prompt was- Best friends to lovers. Can be AU or not not because with how the things are right now it may turn out to be something interesting. Feel free to mix Taylor Swift somewhere and see where it goes if you feel like it. I kind of see Louis finally opening his eyes and realising that he is in love with his best friend and needing to bring up to speed Zayn. Zayn may be in relationship with Perrie. Louis may be pining - or it may be not that way at all. I leave it up to you.

**March 28, 2015**

 

There’s been a persistent knocking at Louis’ door since ten a.m. and, every once in awhile, he can hear a plea from one of the boys to open the door, to please talk. Louis isn’t a talker, or more like he’ll talk, but damn if he’ll be emotional while doing it.  Louis doesn’t like to show his vulnerability and he’ll fight tooth and nail for it not to happen. He’ll put on a show, be the loudest in the room, and have an out-of-the-blue water fight, just to prove to everyone he’s alright, to prove he’s the wisest one - the one who keeps it together. But the boys know; they’re not easily fooled.  

“Can I please come in?” That’s Liam, and Louis can already picture the frown and big puppy dog eyes waiting for him on the other side of the door.  He looks over at the clock on his side table; 3:15 stares back at him. He has forty-five minutes to get down to sound check. He hasn’t showered, nor has he eaten. And he doesn’t seem to care. Still, he gets up, a heavy sigh on his lips as he hears another knock. If he wanted to be a real stinker, he’d wait until one of them caved and went and got security. It would be a great way to shake things up, that’s for sure. He’s been bored since… Louis glares up at the ceiling; hating that his thoughts always drift towards Zayn; hating that he can’t put him out of his mind.

  _Fuck him!_

 He takes a few deep breaths, reaches for the handle and turns.  He’s lying to himself. The boys  _know_  he’s lying, but they’ll play along. For now.  And for now…  _Fuck Zayn!_

 

*****

 

“I’m ready,” Louis says about thirty minutes later. He comes out of the bathroom, hair unkempt, wearing an oversized sweatshirt. He’s really been out of the loop, hasn’t much paid attention to things since everything blew up. But Louis is still very much observant, so he doesn’t miss the way Harry gets off his phone quicker than needed; doesn’t miss the way Niall stands in front of him blocking him from Louis’ view.  As if such a gesture would throw Louis off, like he’s a child who needs placating.  

 Louis rolls his eyes and turns away “Let’s go.”

 

“He’d really like it if you’d call.”  Louis is not going to acknowledge Harry or his stupid understanding, caring face.  “He misses you.” Harry takes a deep breath, blinks his huge eyes, “I don’t think it’s fair to have us choose.” He shrugs his shoulders. “He’s still my friend and I want to stay in contact with him.” Harry bites his lip, waits for what he assumes will be a bad reaction from Louis.

However, Louis is too tired for this conversation and really can’t be bothered. He’s tired and has huge shadows under his eyes. Lou’s either going to be really pissed or have a ton of fun with that. He’ll soon find out. He should also eat, but they’re behind schedule and that’ll have to wait. So Harry’s going to have to table this. It’ll probably sit there and expire, because Louis doesn’t care.  _He. Doesn’t. Care._ He just needs to keep reminding himself, so he’ll remember that. Hegives his own shrug,

“Do what you want.” He watches the blow that response gives Harry, like he would have preferred the yelling and reasons as to why Zayn shouldn’t exist to them anymore.  

“We gotta go,” he says. He’s staring at Liam when he says it. He won’t admit it, but the look on Harry’s face is killing him. He doesn’t want to be this way, but it’s the only way he knows how to be right now.

 “Let’s go then,” Niall says, grabbing Harry by his elbow.

 

 ********

 

Sound check is nothing to write home about. Harry stays to himself, head down like a baby deer that’s been kicked repeatedly, while Niall watches over him as if he’s about to scamper off. Liam seems to take to watching Louis like he’s about to crack, like one false move and boom, no survivors. Louis slowly shakes his head, finding the whole thing ridiculous. He’s tired and can’t sleep and, because there’s a show soon, he can’t deal with this. He really can’t.

“Guys, give us ten, there’s a problem with one of the mics,” some guy named Sam, Steve, or maybe its Stuart, is saying.  Louis can’t remember, and honestly he doesn’t care. He’s getting a break, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t use it.

 

_“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”  It’s been a week since they started living together at what Louis likes to call ‘boot camp’. He’s gotten really close to Harry and Niall. It’s been a little harder with Liam and Zayn, but he’s making progress._

_There’s two bunk beds, and one little bed shoved against a tiny window in the room the boys are sharing, Niall having lucked out in getting the single bed after a quick game of rock, paper, scissors. Zayn and Louis both on the bottom. Louis had been bummed it wasn’t Harry he got to talk to at night, but he didn’t want to be in the top bunk, it was a hassle. And because Zayn was scared of heights and, ultimately, thought he’d fall out and break something, Harry was sweet enough not to argue and let him have it, even though he had beat Zayn at rock, paper, scissors. And honestly? Louis, could’ve let Liam have the bottom but, since meeting the boy, Louis couldn’t help but want to piss him off._

_In the end, it’s a tight fit.  Louis can actually reach over and smack Zayn in the face if he wants to.  Which he doesn’t - at least not yet. He’ll feel Zayn out first, before all that._

_“Have three. One older, two younger ones,” Zayn finally says. He’s smiling lazily at Louis, eyes drooping like he’s about to fall asleep. They’ve been rehearsing for hours - their first time doing so – and it’s time for bed._

_Louis smiles softly at him, his hands tucked under his pillow,_

_“I got four myself, but I’m the oldest.” He’s pointing his thumb at his chest, a look so proud on his face. “I need this to work. Gotta take care of them, you know?”_

_Zayn’s nodding his head seriously, now. “Yeah,” he says. “Gonna buy my mum a house when I make it big.”_

_“So confident.” Louis reaches out and pokes Zayn in his stomach, watching as his eyes crinkle around the edges, tongue pushing out passed his teeth. He’s not as standoffish as Louis would have thought. He’s actually pretty funny and goofy - Harry and Liam had said so - but it’s nice to see for himself._

_Zayn half shrugs, face pressing hard into his pillow, and bats Louis’ hand away. “I have to be.” Louis just smiles, watches as Zayn goes quiet again, ready for bed._

_“This from the boy who hid because he didn’t want to dance?”_

_Zayn’s eyes pop open comically. “Hey, I had a moment…” he sighs. “We all do at some point.”_

_He looks embarrassed just talking about it, and Louis takes pity. “You were really good once you started dancing.”_

_Zayn blushes and hides half his face in his pillow. “Go to sleep, Louis,” he mumbles._

_“It’s true, though.”_

_“Good night, Louis.”_

“Louis! Lou! _Louis!_ ” Louis looks up slowly, sees half the crew watching him with concerned looks. “Mic’s fixed,” Niall says, “we can…we can finish up.” Niall licks his lip, looking to Liam for help.

Louis blinks slowly and looks around.

“What?” He has no idea how long they’ve been calling him, but he’s going to play it cool, ignore the fact that Niall’s watching him like he’s a spooked animal.

“Alright boys.” He claps his hands together and clears his throat. “Let’s do this.”

There’s a buzzing sound coming from the vicinity of Liam, and Louis watches as he pulls his phone from his pocket. Louis can see the bob of Liam’s adam’s apple, the way he stares at the phone. He knows who’s calling again, and Liam is so obvious with the way he won’t look up. From the corner of his eye, he can see Harry walking towards him.

“You know…I think we’re good here. We’re pros, right lads?”

Louis doesn’t wait for a response. He’s down the hall, halfway towards the elevators before the doors can close behind him.

 

*****

 

Louis doesn’t know why he did it. But, to be honest, he really couldn’t help himself, naughty boy asked for it. He’s an arse and should be called out. But now he’s just stuck and so very lost as he stares at his phone. Did Zayn just call him out?

“Louis, don’t freak out. Let’s just rehearse, okay?”

He turns to Liam very calmly,

“I have a life…” he looks as though he’s grinding his teeth, though “...and I wasn’t even talking to him. Why the fuck would he _do_ that?” He’s looks back at his phone, eyes staring at the screen like he’s trying to magic the tweet away.

“Yes you were.” Louis looks up so quickly, he almost gives himself whiplash.  He can’t believe what he’s read, let alone what was just said and who said it.

“Harry.” Niall says cautiously, shaking his head. “Don’t.” 

“You’re being very passive aggressive, Lou.” Harry acts as though he hasn’t heard Niall. “You’re not mad at Shahid, you’re mad at Zayn. And instead of fighting on social media with him, you should just call Zayn.” Harry gives a little stressed laugh. “He’s not stupid, you know. He knows - just like we know - what you’re doing.”  

“Did you read what he said?” Louis looks so confused, like he can’t believe Harry.

Harry nods his head. “Yeah, I did. And you should still call him, Louis.”

“Why should I call him? He should call me!”  He’s visibly shaking now. He knows he’s not making sense. Zayn _has_  called him, and Louis doesn’t answer, but he’s not going to back down. He’ll win this argument if it kills him.  “Who left? Was it _me_? Did _I_ leave the group, abandon you all in the middle of a fucking world tour?” He’s poking Harry in the chest now, doesn’t even remember walking over to him.  Liam’s there too, stepping in between the two of them. Harry has about four inches on Louis, and way more muscle mass, but it’s obvious who Liam’s protecting, here.

“Louis…” Liam takes a deep breath. “I know this last month’s been hard, what with you and Eleanor ending and…”

“This has nothing to do with her!” He’s yelling now, and he knows he should calm down, but he can’t for some reason, and he doesn’t know why. Except he does know why - and he hates it. 

“We know. You didn’t let me finish.” Liam looks so serious. Even with his puppy dog eyes, he looks about ready to strangle Louis. Instead, Liam takes a deep breath and smiles softly.

“You were okay because...” He swallows hard. “…because you still had Zayn.” Liam sighs and places a warm hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Louis, you didn’t lose Zayn. You know that, right? He may not be in the group anymore, but he’s still your friend.”

“He called me bitchy.” All the boys’ eyes focus on the floor, and that’s all Louis needs to know. They agree.  As far as he’s concerned, rehearsal is over.

They can Skype Zayn and play mystery date, for all he cares.

 

*****

 

**June 2014**

_“It’s so crazy sometimes, you know?  I love doing what we do, but…”  Zayn takes a drag from his fag, holds it in a bit before slowly exhaling.  They’re in Italy – Milan, to be exact. Its early morning, so it’s fairly quiet. All five boys are on the roof of the hotel room they’re occupying, watching as the world slowly wakes up. Liam, Niall and Harry are asleep beside them. It’s so warm and peaceful up there, it’s no wonder._

_They have a concert that night, so they should be relaxing. Zayn and Louis should be sleeping as well, but they’re not; they’re whispering to each other very softly, with Harry’s snoring as their background music._

_“But what?” Louis says, looking over at Harry with bewilderment._

_“I love this life,” Zayn says with a small smile, watching Louis watch Harry, “I do, I really do, but…” He stops and looks around, “…but it’s hard, the shit we get sometimes.” The ‘especially me’ is left unsaid. But they know, they all know. Zayn gets most of the flack. He breathes and he’s being blamed for all the world’s problems. He shakes his head. “I’m not even doing what I truly want to be doing. Not really.” he mumbles._

_Louis watches him brow furrowed, “What do you mean?”_

_Zayn shakes his head. “’s nothing.”_

 

Louis should’ve seen it then. Hell, he probably did see it, just didn’t want to. The enthusiasm Zayn once had seemed to have been sucked out of him. His songs kept getting rejected by the label, and he was mostly just reduced to doing riffs no one else could pull off. He had solos, but they were small, and Zayn was more than that; way more than that. The media wouldn’t let up on him being the bad boy, when that was far from what he was. But that was the price of being the boy of color in a boy band. Zayn knew that, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

In the end, the result was Zayn’s mental state and changing physical appearance. Louis saw it. They all did. But denial is a hell of a thing.  In fact, he should’ve known after the weed video. They were both involved in that, and yet Zayn was labeled the druggie, the bad influence, the one that would ultimately destroy One Direction.  He wishes he could go back now, to that early morning on the roof; wishes he would’ve made Zayn talk - explain himself. However, Louis can’t dwell on that right now. They have a concert tonight and he needs to focus. But truth be told, he’d rather stay in his hotel room sulking, than standing on stage looking out into an audience who will, without a doubt, be holding up pictures of Zayn. Zayn, his best friend. Zayn, who he hasn’t spoken to in weeks. Zayn, who he…

_Fuck!_

He rubs his hand over his face and stands up from his bed. He has to get ready. There’s still the show, after all. He’ll think about it later.

Except…he doesn’t think about it later, He avoids it like the plague. When the boys bring Zayn up, he acts as though he doesn’t hear. And when Zayn is mentioned by anyone - anyone at all - he brings up another topic. It’s been three months, and Louis acts as though Zayn never existed. Except, he does exist, and Louis still isn’t sleeping properly.

 

 ****

When the news breaks that he got a one night stand pregnant, Louis is still on tour, and his management team is up his arse on what he should say and what he definitely _shouldn’t_ say.

“You’ll wait. That’s right, you’ll wait a bit before saying anything. We need to make sure the kid is yours. If you only worn protection, we wouldn’t be here right now, but as it stands…” On and on. Louis doesn’t even know whose speaking, nor does he care, but they can suck it for all he cares.   
  
  
The other four boys are there, watching as Louis is being spoken to like a child that needs a time out. And apparently, they have nothing to bring to the table.  There’s a sigh from somewhere and Louis is certain it’s the dick whose name he doesn’t care to know. 

“Look, publicity wise this is good. What with you all still on tour, and Zayn in the studio, it keeps you all in the spotlight where - trust me - you want to be. This helps all of you.”

“Are we done?” Louis gets up from the table before an answer is given. He doesn’t want to hear about Zayn and what he’s doing, or how they’re helping him. Louis doesn’t wait for an answer.  He doesn’t even say bye when he makes his exit.

 

*******

 

“When are you going to talk about it?” For the past hour, they’ve been lounging around in Louis’ hotel room, relaxing ‘til show time. It’s been, for the most part, spent in silence, with Niall watching a futbol game whilst the other three chill on their phones.  Louis looks up from his phone and stares at Liam. He’s been watching twitter for the last ten minutes and, surprise surprise, Larry is still alive and kicking.   _“If only they knew,_ ” Louis thinks. 

“We should get ready, got a show, Payno.”  He’s going to ignore Liam. Maybe if he does that, it’ll be done with. It usually works.

“This is getting ridiculous.”  Apparently not today, though. Niall and Harry seem to have disappeared into the wallpaper of Louis’s hotel room. It could get messy and, like animals, they sense the danger. Louis glares at him and pushes his phone into his back pocket.

“Talk about what? Becoming a father?”

“No.” Liam looks as though he’s chewing on something, like it’s taking everything in him not to say what he really wants to.

“Yeah, thought so.” Louis is sneering now.

He pushes passed Liam and heads to the door. Before he can open it, Liam blurts out,

“You’re in love with Zayn.” Louis isn’t sure, but he swears he hears a hissing sound from Niall. And to be honest, just like Niall, he didn’t see it coming.

“You should talk about it, Lou,” Niall says. _Oh_. So apparently, he did see it coming. Louis is violently shaking his head now,

“No. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Liam’s smiling sadly. “Yeah, I do. For once, I’m not the confused one and know exactly what’s going on.”

Louis starts to shake his head again. He doesn’t know what to say. It’s like all his words have been taken hostage. He backs up, his rigid spine meeting the door. He’s still not talking, but he can feel his eyes watering. He’s not as good at hiding as he thought he was. If he was, this wouldn’t be happening right now, and his three best mates wouldn’t be watching him fall apart right before their eyes.

“Breathe, Louis, breathe.” He can hear Harry from far away, and he knows someone is holding him up. It’s probably Liam. Louis can already picture his guilt-riddled look for having made him face his problems. He’ll deal with that later. Right now, he needs a moment. Maybe two or three.

 

**March 12, 2015**

_“What are we? Are we more than friends? I feel like sometimes we…” Zayn shakes his head. “Never mind,” he says as he takes a pull from his fag, knocking his almost empty beer bottle against Louis’. It’s a rare day off and Zayn just wants to stay in his hotel room and act as though the world outside doesn’t exist. He usually does that alone, but he loves when Louis hijacks his alone time. They’ve been hanging out more than usual and, sometimes, it’s not just boys being boys. They never talk about it, not even right after. It just happens, and neither one of them ever stops it._

_Louis moves closer to him, reaches out and steals his fag. “I’m with Eleanor…you have Perrie.”_

_Zayn runs a hand over his face. “That’s not what I asked. Let’s… let’s leave them out of it, okay?” Zayn sighs deeply. “What if…what if there was no Perrie or Eleanor? What if they didn’t exist?”_

_Louis smiles sadly, takes a pull from Zayn’s fag and slowly blows it out.  “But they do exist. Besides, you don’t mean it. It’s just my arse that’s got you mesmerized.” The sadness remains._

_Zayn smiles and laughs.  He looks away, clears his throat. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”_

 

Two weeks later Zayn was gone And really? Louis should’ve noticed how his smile hadn’t  _reached his eyes. Nowhere near._

 

“Lou! _Louis?_ Come on, man, you’re scaring us here.” That’s Niall. Cool, calm, collected Niall. But now he sounds panicked - two seconds away from crying. “Should we get someone? What do we do?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine,” Louis says softly, holding tight to Niall’s arm. He takes a deep breath and stands back up. “I’m a dick,” he whispers. He takes a deep breath and seeks Liam out in the room, just to make sure he’s okay. Harry’s with him, rubbing a hand up and down his back and, just like Louis had suspected, he looks lost and about ready to kick himself for being so honest.

“You’re not a dick, you-”

“I am, Payno. I am.”  Louis grabs at his hair. “He was trying to tell me. _Fuck!_ I gave up so easily with him.”

“Well, if you’re a dick, then we all are?” Harry makes it seem like a question. “I mean, didn’t we all act as though everything was okay, too? Didn’t we joke and make fun as well? It’s not like it hasn’t happened to all of us.”

 

They used to joke all the time, in fact, about the tabloids calling Zayn a cheater - because he is - but who he’d been cheating with, they’d got all wrong. They never addressed it, only made a joke of it; as if, to the boys, there really were a ton of women Zayn had on standby, just ready for a quick booty call.

Somehow, Louis must’ve missed the fact that Zayn hated being labeled as such. Or, maybe he hadn’t, and just chose to ignore it.

“I think it was a little different, because…” Harry starts, but then takes a deep breath and tilts his head to the ceiling, unsure whether to continue.

“Say it Haz. I know you want to.” Louis already knows what Harry’s going to say.

“…he was in love with you.” Louis still didn’t expect it to feel like a punch to the gut once it’s spoken aloud. Harry himself doesn’t look so well after saying it, either. Maybe he, too, knows the severity of Louis’ situation.

“I should’ve told him I loved him before he left.”

“You should’ve.” Yeah, they all know. Liam still looks like a kicked puppy dog, but that doesn’t stop him from stating the truth.

 Louis can only give a shaky smile and shake his head.

 

*******

 

It’s really late when Louis gets back to his hotel room, the show having gone by in a blur. He’s certain it was good, but don’t hold him to that. Plus, he couldn’t get Zayn off his mind. He screwed up there. The lads repeatedly told him to call and fix it - that it could be fixed - but Louis was certain he’d missed his window of opportunity. It’s been five months and Zayn’s been living his life, making moves in the music industry.

Looking healthier, thank God.

He slides his key card in the slot and pushes open the door with a heavy sigh. Its pitch black in the room and Louis takes his time finding the light switch on the wall. “You’re gonna hurt yourself without the light, mate.”

The voice startles Louis and he flails about like an idiot.

“How’d you get in here?” He’s breathing pretty hard, from almost being scared half to death, but he’s positive that was the wrong thing to say. He can’t see Zayn’s face, but he’s sure he’s frowning.

“Ah…Liam said to – sorry, I’ll go. I didn’t mean to…yeah, I’ll just go.”

Louis flips on the light switch and watches as Zayn heads straight for the door, his head down as he walks. 

“No, wait.” His hand shoots out and grips Zayn’s wrist like a tight vice.  “I didn’t mean for you to leave. You just scared me. Please stay.” Louis’ brow furrows in confusion. “Why were you sitting in the dark, though?”

A tentative smiles spreads across Zayn’s face and he shrugs his shoulders, disarmingly.

“Liam said you’d be back soon, and I thought I’d-”

“…scare the shit out of me?”  Louis is trying to break the tension. Tension he’s caused. He could blame it on Zayn leaving, but that was all Zayn did. It’s not a crime to leave when it becomes impossible for you to stay, but Louis labeled it as such and, in the process, ruined what they were to each other. What they  _could_   _be_  to each other.

“So…I heard you’re going to be a dad.”

Louis’ eyes widen at that. “So we’re getting straight to it, then?” Zayn doesn’t say anything, just stares at Louis, waiting for an answer. He swallows hard, let’s go of Zayn’s wrist and walks further into the room.

“Heard you and Perrie broke up.”

“Yeah, we did.” Louis nods his head, scratching at the little scuff on his chin. He’s stalling. He doesn’t even know why he’s stalling. He hasn’t made an official statement, but Zayn’s not stupid.

“It’s true, I’m going to be a father.” He says it like an afterthought.

“I broke up with Perrie. I couldn’t pretend anymore.” Zayn completely ignores Louis’ answer. “It wasn’t fair to her.”

“Pretend what?” Louis isn’t facing him. He can’t face him. He’s too scared to.

“ _Louis_.”  It sounds like a plea.

He turns around, watches Zayn carefully.

“The media would eat you alive if me and you were together. We’d break so many Larry hearts.” Zayn’s staring again and not saying a word. Maybe Louis got it wrong. Maybe Zayn isn’t here for him in that way. “I- I’m sorry. Joke, was just joking.”

Zayn’s face seems to crumble.

“No, wait. Zayn I’m- Shit! What do you want me to say? Just tell me and I’ll say it, I’m not good at this.”

Zayn looks angry now.

“Tell me you love me!” He’s suddenly standing in front of Louis, hands balled into fists. “Just tell me that, but only if it’s true.”

Louis swallows hard, his eyes locked on Zayn.

“I do. I do love you.” He breathes that truth in deeply. “There’s a woman out there carrying my child because, for so long, I tried to ignore that fact, but I do love you. I’m a fuck-up who loves you. I’m sorry I took so long to accept that.”

They stand in Louis’ room watching each other, searching for truth, maybe.

“Yeah. But you’re _my_ fuck-up,” Zayn finally says, as if he’s only now just realizing it.

“And I’ve made it worse, haven’t I?” Zayn’s rubbing a hand across his forehead. There’s a baby on the way, and Perrie’s out there making Zayn look like the worst super villain to ever exist.  It doesn’t seem to be hurting him, though, like he thought it would. He even has his own following outside of One Direction.

“You’re always the scapegoat, no matter what happens. I can’t let that happen because of me. Not anymore, at least.”

“It’ll be alright.” Zayn says, watching Louis carefully.  

“No, it won’t.”

“So, are you saying you don’t want me?” Zayn’s stepping closer to him.

“No, no. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I…” Louis does the same, but he still doubts because of the situation.

“I can take the heat. I always do.”  Louis closes his eyes, tries to calm himself. Zayn shouldn’t _have_ to take anything. He hates this, he really does.

It isn’t until Zayn’s kissing him that Louis thinks that maybe - just maybe - what he broke can be fixed.

 

 


End file.
